I will always remember

 3rd March 2023. That is a day that will remain imprinted deep inside my head. I woke up and went to work. I was at work by 9am. I had honestly had a very long month and wanted to complete this last phase of work. I had been so emotional that day that I contacted the person who went ahead to introduce me everywhere as his wife... he had messed me up so bad emotionally, healthwise, physically, mentally and financially. This person kept saying he loved me and wanted me back but wouldn't  even apologise for the wrongs done. I knew deep in my mind that it just wasn't going to be. I mean, how do you forgive someone that have drove you to insanity? But still I called him. talk of stockholm syndrome.

I soon got back to work after a hour hour conversation that totally left me broken. I was searching for something to break me. Why? I had no idea at the time. After work, my boss who is my uncle asked me to drop him at another part of Karen; we were on the Ngong Road side, he wanted to go on the Langata Road side. So I did but the whole time I had balancing tears and insisted on waiting for him to finish whatever he was doing which was till around 5pm. I felt very needy to a point I lost direction and wanted to be accompanied out of the area. I was. My uncle is very gracious. Even went ahead to advice me to use the bypass to avoid Langata Road traffic. Instead, I found myself driving to Langata Road and parking smack outside the Langata Cemetry. At the time, I did not know what I was doing, call it phased out. I was really out of my mind. There was something deep inside that troubled me. I cried, weeped, felt like vomiting, I was so emotional I didn't quite know what was going on then i did the one thing I thought could help. I called ‘S’.. the person that had drained and sucked all the life from me. I called to apologise for my earlier call even though it wasn't rude, I was not out of order. This was me saying my goodbyes and to tell him I don't have the strength to anymore. I also uttered some words I had never told him before...'For some reason ‘S’, this is the last phone conversation I am engaging with you regarding our relationship. I have a feeling that after this, I am done.' He asked me to wait till he came back we talk but I would not have any of it. That conversation lasted 45 minutes which made me cry and release the gush of emotions within. In truth, I was not crying because I decided to break it off finally with Steve. I honestly felt nothing for him at that point except disgust and forgave myself for the three year ride he conned me off.

After the conversation, I sat in the car looking at the graves thinking we will all one day end up there. Was it peaceful? Painful? I for one never want to be buried. I am scared of coffins as its a confinement to finality. That in itself drives me nuts! Cremation is more my thing. Free with the wind. I thought about death a lot that day. That moment. I even asked Steve what would run in his mind if he was called to be told I am dead. To his response, 'Do not say that' I lived with a narcissist for three years. Many are the times he watched me as a TV whilst I was sick to the brink of death in the house. Or I would send him for medications and he would choose to drink and come in the morning without even food in the house. That is a story of another day. 

I snapped back from my hazy maze at around 8PM. The whole place was dark and decided to drive home only to go park at Shell Madaraka. I was sobbing. Deeply sobbing. The whole day I was on auto pilot. I really can not explain it. I did not want to go home, neither did I want to be alone. All my friends that called me noted I was not myself in speech acting all weird  after our conversations and them discovering  I parked at the cemetery and now at a petrol station instead of going home. Well, I had no response. Finally at 10PM the petrol station guard comes to tell me he is worried about me. My eyes are teary... I tell him I am ok and drive off home via town then Thika Road as opposed to the shorter route which is Nyayo Stadium Roundabout then jogoo Road. See, I NEVER EVER go to town to take long routes. I was mourning. I did not know at the time. My spirit had connected with someone I truly loved. He called my spirit to say he was leaving this earth.

That Saturday I canceled everything and stayed home all gloomy. Every first Sunday of the month my dad has a lunch at his place. I always cook. I showed up at 5PM supper moody, did not really talk much and the evening ended in a huge fight between my brother's girlfriend and myself. Another looong story!

Monday I really did not feel like going to work, so I called my friend to hang out. Then I receive a very disturbing phone call that Isaack Manaseh Thiaka was no more. That he had passed away on Friday the 3rd. at around 6PM. Then it all made sense. The cemetery, the tears, the emotions, the mood swings. I truly loved this beautiful human. We might not have ended up together, we had our own differences... but our spirits connected in the most beautiful ways and I am glad he whispered his early goodbyes before he left. That is a special gift.

One more thing, ‘S’s’ conversations might seem like a coincidence but the reason we got into a relationship in the first place was as a result of my favourite uncle dying in my arms... another death that so to speak, called me... I was so scared of living alone as weird things kept happening. I invited him over since he was having a struggling living situation. I needed the company. And it is in death that I find my strength again to leave, live and soar high. 

I love you so much Issack. Thank you for the realisation that you drowned on me. In truth, everything under the sun happens for the betterment of the universe. Slowly learning this amidst all the pain it comes with. Funny how death gives you life lessons. Loss gives you gains lessons. For in death, a new life rises. Soar high Isaack. Thank you for the love and light.